| i hate myself!! |
[Feb. 16th, 2006|11:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  verrrrry sad and hateful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | korn!!! | ] |
so basically... jb and i broke up.. a while ago.. and i miss him more than anything in this whole world!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love Kayla freaking Garard... she is my new lover!!!
so we're in newspaper right now.. and i'm freaking bored..
kayla is saying i'm gay because i bought her a lovely card.. and on top of that i wrote a note to her... annnnnnd.. i made a card for her at lunch |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|08:44 am] |
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yes.. i'm finally updating this thing... there's a lot to say... but there's only one thing to say... i think jb's thinking of breaking up with me.. we've been talking a lot about it.. and what would happen if it ever did happen.. i think hes preparing me for the worst.. and i hate it.. i just want to be with him for the rest of my life!!!!! |
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| why do i feel so..... |
[May. 27th, 2005|11:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | scars-papa roach | ] |
why must i feel this way
i try so hard
when things go wrong
i still put a smile on
nobody knows the hurt i have
inside i'm dying..
but none of you care
none of you know
you all think i'm happy
just because of this fake expression
i'm dying, no i'm already dead
dead to you.. dead to me
there's no soul in this body of mine
replaced with a black hole
of nothing but hurt and pain
god damnit.. i hate going through emotional breakdowns!!!! i just hate being sad.. i hate that my medicine isn't working.. i just want to die.. now!!!.. jb is stopping me.. but i don't know if i can hold it in... i know i won't kill myself.. but i could do other things to make myself "feel" again.. but i know i won't.. but just everything is caving in.. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it |
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| summer!!! |
[May. 25th, 2005|08:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jimmy neutron | ] |
yea.. so far summer's been gay.. but hopefully i'll be doing something this week!!!!!
one good thing is that jb got to come over yesterday.. and we went swimming.. it was exciting.. but then my dad came home.. and i was like.. ahhh.. it scared me!!!
friday i get my hair done.. what should i do?!?!?!?!.. i'm thinking of doing either one of two options...
option 1). dark strawberry blonde with thin blonde highlights
option 2). dark marroon with thick blonde highlights
o well.. you tell me!!! |
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| hey there.... |
[May. 16th, 2005|03:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | another brick in the wall-pink floyd | ] |
well.. i haven't written here in a while.. so let's recap the last couple of days...well friday.. i went to my friend christine's partay!!.. it was exciting.. let me tell you.. jb and i had a really good time.. and our friends emily and andrew were there.. it was pretty much exciting!!..
saturday.. i was supposed to go to nicole's volleyball partay with her.. but i had to go to desert ridge with my mommy and sissy.. and we had a really good time.. all in all we spent 700$$.. now.. it may not seem a lot for you.. but that's definetly a lot for me.. but i got 3 new outfits.. one which i wore today!!!
sunday.. went to jb's house and swam!! for the first time this summer.. outside of school!!.. yes.. anyways.. i'm not going to school on friday so someone please call me.. thanks.. if you need my number.. comment me and i'll give it to you privately.. PLEASE CALL ME!!!
love you all!!
nikkie!! |
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| another "GREAT" day |
[May. 8th, 2005|07:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  listless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | counting on me-korn | ] |
well... yesterday pretty much sucked.. well.. the end of it anyways.. the first part of my day was awesome!!
let's see here
in the morning i went to nikki's volleyball tournament and saw my new friend destiny!!!!! and i saw alecia and nikki.. and everybody did pretty much awesome.. in my opinion... but they didn't think so.. anyways.. and it was freaking freezing in that gym!!!.. and then i got to meet nikki's mommy.. and she's freaking the coolest thing ever!!!.. and then i got to meet her daddy.. and then i sat down with destiny and talked.. and got to know her a tit.. and she's pretty much awesome!!
then.. i went home.. and went to target to buy my mommy a gift for mommy's day!!
and then .. jb, my dad, and me all went to my uncle craig's house for my aunt linda's birthday partay!!.. and that's when the "fun" began..
when i got there.. nobody would even say hi to jb or me and that might have made things worse for jb.. but i was like soo freaking upset.. and then we ate.. and that was fine.. and then my dad was being the alcoholic that he is.. because he is.. and he was yelling at me.. and then yea.. that made me cry and that might not have been so fun for jb.. all in all.. it was alright.. but jb didn't have a good time.. because he "doesn't want to" he freaking tells himself he's not going to have a good time.. and then he doesn't.. he's weird.. but o well.. i just hope he doesn't break up with me for being mean to him last night!!!
well i'm done
love you all
nikkie!!! |
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| i will make it go away!!! |
[May. 5th, 2005|05:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | hmmm.... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | alone i break-korn | ] |
pick me up
been bleeding too long
right here, right now
i'll stop it somehow
i will make it go away
can't be here no more
seems this is the only way
i will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone
now it seems the times they change
leaving doesn't seem so strange
i am hoping i can find
where to leave my hurt behind
all this shit i seem to take
all alone i seem to break
i have lived the best i can
does this make me not a man
ONE of my favorite songs at the moment... if you don't know this song.. you're gay.. nah.. jk.. but no .. you should know it.. because it's korn!!!!!! and everybody should like korn!!!
well.. i think things at home are getting sort of better.. my parents aren't screaming at each other like they were a couple days ago.. and they seem to laugh at each other now.. so i don't know.. i wish they would stop sending mixed signals and just get along.. u kno?
today was a half day.. i went over to jb's house.. we ate pizza and played spyro.. THE FREAKING COOLEST GAME EVER!!!
and yea.. then i came home.. and wrote in my live journal.. so yea..
okayimdonenowgoodbye |
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| dying.. slowly but surely |
[May. 4th, 2005|05:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  just okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | king of the hill | ] |
ladeda!!!... let's see here.. i'm still very depressed.. i don't know exactly if jb is making me feel better or worse.. sometimes i just feel like he doesn't care.. sometimes i think we're going to break up soon.. but i really hope not!!!.. if we do.. i know my life will probably be ruined.. because i'll probably go back to old habits,, and that can't be good.
anyways.. i don't know if things at home are getting worse.. or staying the same.. it just sux.. but hopefully i'm going shopping with my sissy on saturday at ABER-FREAKING-CROMBIE!!!.. GOD I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE.. but i'll probably just go to hollister.. i hate settling!!!
and yea.. that's about it.. i don't know much else.. ahh.. i have soo many freaking finals coming up.. i hate them all!!!!!!!!!!
but yes.. i shall write more about my day tomorrow...
tomorrow is christine's birthday!!!!! |
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| crying, hurting deep inside.. i can't help but express my hurt |
[Apr. 29th, 2005|09:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | alter bridge | ] |
i have soo much hurt to express.. it's just not all going to fit on here.. this is a place to vent right???.. cause venting is what you're going to get..
i pretend to be such a happy person.. but i can't help but cry everyday!!
between my bipolar dissorder and my family fighting, and my emotional thoughts, and harmful thoughts.. i just can't continue living like this anymore
my mommy's moving out.. and i can't stand by and watch this happen.. i don't care about my dad anymore.. that's what caused this.. everybody thinks he's doing drugs!!!.. i can't watch this house go to waste.. for the freaking 3rd time!!!!
i've been having thoughts of suicide.. and cutting on myself.. this hasn't been going on for a freaking year.. and now.. all of a sudden.. it has to come back and haunt me.. since freaking 6th grade i've cut.. and i stopped my freshman year because of jonathan brent gradeck!!!.. if it wasn't for him.. i guarantee i would be dead!!.. but enough of all the depressing crap!!
today i got to see jb.. i've been home for a week and a half.. so it was finaly good to see somebody besides my mom.. cause you know.. my dad is never home!!
i finally got to eat today also.. some panda express.. i think i lost ATLEAST 10 pounds.. you can soo tell!
well anyways.. i'm done venting.. for now.. i hope everyone is happy!!!.. send me a happy note.. or leave me a comment on my myspace.. it's looking lonely!!!..
love nikkie!! |
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| okay.. freaking gay!!!.. hey .. it rhymes!! |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|10:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dirty-korn | ] |
restless lying on the floor
crying, wishing she had so much more
she has what everybody dreams
but nothing is what it seems
yelling, hurting deep inside
waiting, wanting to end her life
she takes out her special "thing"
a knife, a sort of happy place to be
carving, scraping, it's all the same
wanting to hit that special vein
now that her life is through,
all the mourners come for her view
she wakes up inbetween
and then smiles because it was just a dream
she wishes this could really happen to her
but she did it once, now it's all a blur
she screams she wants to die
but inside it's only a cry
everybody loves her, and wishes the best
but cutting is the beauty from all the rest
she goes back to dreaming once more
it's the same dream, what is she waiting for?
she wishes her life would end,
but she's too afraid of what people would think of it
so she keeps her secret safe and sound
until the end happens, she won't be found
haha.. MAN THAT FEELS SOOO FREAKING GOOOD TO WRITE!!!!!,, i haven't written anything sinse like february 23, 2005!!!.. so this is a brand new poem.. comment me.. tell me what you think of it for being a new poem in 2 months!!!!!.. well.. it's kind of how i feel right now... i do want to continue hurting myself.. but i have to think of the pro's and con's of it...
pros:
it releaves stress
it feels good
it's pretty
cons:
people see it, they yell at me
jb will dump me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can't seem to hide it from my parents... so i'll probably end back up at the mental hospital!!
so yea.. anyways.. i'm STILL freaking sick.. god how gay is this.. i'm seriously going back to school tomorrow though.. cause i'm sick of this shit!!!!.. pardon my language.. lol... anyways.. i'm making this entry extra long.. cause i'm freaking bored.. someone call me.. pleaaaaaaaase!!.. someone hang out with me.. come over.. do something!!!.. lol.. if you need to know my number just askkkkk!!!
okay i'm done now.. goodbye all
love nikkie!!! |
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| very sad!!! |
[Apr. 25th, 2005|03:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | very sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | love son-marilyn manson | ] |
hmm.. well today.. i'm extra depressed.. i don't know if it's the lack of my medicine.. or what.. but anyways.. i've been reading through my live journal.. and yea.. i've said some pretty hurtful things about people that didn't even do anything to me.. my jelousy has soared into a mess of pathetic(ness).. lol... and i don't know.. i think it's because i've been alone for so long.. i mean.. almost a week i've been out of school.. i really need to go back!!!.. but i'm sure i won't feel any different...
i just want to make a public (kinda) appology to DESTINY!!
destiny.. i'm sorry that i ever said those mean things to you.. i wish i could say this in person to you.. i hope you read this.. like you have my other.. worse... entries.. i never meant to hurt your feelings.. and i'm glad that you can look back on it and say that you forgive me.. it shows me what a true nice person you can really be.. and i heard that you don't fight people which makes me respect you as a person even more.. i just wish i could take all those things back.. and just start over.. i already told you that i wanted to.. and you agreed.. hopefully at your next tournament.. we can acutally "talk".. like real people do.. well if you read this.. give me a comment saying how you truly feel.. i love destiny.. she's soo sweet..
love all
nikkie!!! |
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| man.... long time no see!! |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|08:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | abusive-adema | ] |
well.. as if you thought i was gone.. you were wrong.. i'm back and kickin!!!.. anyways.. the reason i haven't written in here was because i've been sooo freaking sick...
anyways.. last weekend was my anniversary with jb for 1 WHOLE YEAR!!!.. yea.. i kno.. and then yea... we surprised each other with gifts and stuff.. no biggie.. haha
and then i "mysteriously" got sick.. it's gay cause i had no warning!!! but jb was sick on tuesday so i surprised him for like 20 minutes.. then left.. then the next day.. I GOT SICK.. with the tummy flu!!.. i've been sick since wednesday.. and it's sunday!!!
yea anyways.. i went to nascar last night.. it was pretty exciting.. i got to see MY BOY!!! KEVIN HARVICK!!!.. yea.. and i bought a kevin harvick shirt.. for ten dollars!!!.. heck yes!!
anyways.. that's pretty much my week..
have a wonderful day!!!
toodleoo |
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| O NOOO |
[Apr. 13th, 2005|02:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | around the world | ] |
o man.. my one year anniversary is in like 3 days and i'm f-ing sick as a mother f-ing dog.. ahh.. what do i do.. how do i get better.. ahh.. somebody help me!!! |
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| i'll only smile when i'm back in your arms |
[Apr. 12th, 2005|07:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | pretty okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | alone i break-korn | ] |
well.. it seems as though my life is getting back to normal.. i don't hate anybody... i've been getting along with destiny.. i feel bad though.. cause everyone that knows me knows i'm like the nicest person.. and i can't believe i hurt a sweet girl like that.. anyways.. but yea.. i sent her a nice message.. hopefully she appreciates me being honest with her..
and jb and i aren't fighting anymore.. he told me he almost broke up with me the other day because i was yelling.. i guess.. lol.. and i was crying because i hate his mom.. and i guess she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.. so whatever.. but i HATE it when people HATE me.. when i didn't fucking do anything.. she's the one that started it!!! ahhh.. i hate her soo much.. it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.. and she doesn't even care.. and she thinks i'm just another girl EVEN THOUGH JB AND I HAVE BEEN GOING OUT FOR A YEAR!!!!ahh.. who cares anymore.. i don't.. haha.. liar!!!
well.. today i had to take the math aims test.. and i think i did very well on it as a matter of fact.. though i have a 58 in topics of algebra.. i passed the math portion of the aims test.. ha!! |
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| i hate all of you |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|07:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplating | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the love song- marilyn manson | ] |
yea.. i'm pretty sure i hate most people at my school.. and at other schools.. you know who you are.. cough.. destiny.. fucking slut.. hah. anyways.. i shouldn't waste my time on her.. but i can't help but think about what she's done to me.. and jb.. that little bitch.. anyways.. the only people i don't hate are jb... stephanie.. erin... kacee... mike... stew... love... NIKKI.. DAKOTA..christine... brennon... ray... rem... marie.. mark.. tyler... and a couple other people but outside of my little "clique".. i pretty much hate everybody.. i hate all the preppy fucks.. i mean.. i'm preppy.. and i admit i can wear some slutty clothes.. but i've also gotten better about that.. now.. the pretty preppy assholes.. they never change.. and i hate that.. it's very sad!!!
enough about that.. once again.. i'm going through that state of mind where i can't help but want to die.. jb has tried to help me through this soo much.. and sometimes it works. but when i don't talk to him.. i get soo upset.. and my stomache cringes.. and i can't eat.. i'm scared.. sort of.. i feel i'm depending on him.. not like i'm not admitting this.. but still.. i don't want to have to depend on him alll of the time.. because what happens when he breaks up with me!?!?.. i mean.. i don't even want to think about that.. but it will happen one day..
well.. i'm going to nikki's vb tournament on saturday.. so i can hang out with her for more than an hour.. also i'll get to see my cousin dakota.. ahh i love them both!!!
anyways.. i guess i'm done now.. |
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| ahhh.. i hate you... faggot slut |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|03:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  extreamly pissed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | marlyn manson | ] |
okay.. well not a lot has been goin on.. just you know.. chilling with my homedog jonthan brent.. and then ray watching us have sex.. u know.. hahah.. jk.. anyways.. so the other day.. i find out that this girl destiny is talkin shit.. about me.. so i decide to tell her off.. no responce to anything i said to her.. haaaaaaaaaaaaa.. isn't she a fucking pussy.. i really hate her soo much and she's "threatening" to yell at jb for what IIIIIII did.. omg i hate her soo much.. haha.. i already said that.. i mean.. seriously is SHE THAT much of a FUCKING PUSSY.. she'd rather yell at someone who won't hurt her instead of me.. who WILL.. haha.. anyways.. so yea.. that's why i'm mad!!
but i'm okay.. i just wish the fucking slut would come to me before she dies.. if she yells at jb that is
i wish i could just beat the shit out of her.. but there's no way of my possible seeing her.... damn.. anyways..
that's all for now.. toodleooo
P.S... why are you chasing after boys that are already taken.. hmm.. are you just too insecure with yourself that you NEED to be dependent on having guys flirt with you.. faggot whore slut bitch pussy faggot.. i hate you!!! |
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| i hate you soo much for what you did.. but in my mind i'll always love you |
[Mar. 29th, 2005|03:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
| [ | music |
| | alecia keyes.. don't ask | ] |
i've been thinking about this person all day.. i hate them soo much for doing what they did.. but yet.. i can't help but love them still.. this person was soo close to me.. and i cry a lot thinking about them.. i wrote a poem to this person.. but i can't share it.. ahh.. i'm just soo upset.. if this person wouldn't have done that.. everything would be a lot better!!
i just wish i could get into your head and make you come back
don't worry.. this isn't about drew!!!
i love jb soo much.. on easter he bought me a turtle.. toy.. named cruiser.. ahh i love it!!!
well i guess i got all that i needed to get out for now
have a wonderful day!! |
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| ladeda |
[Mar. 23rd, 2005|04:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy as ever | ] |
| [ | music |
| | shinedown | ] |
wow.. i haven't written in here in a while now.. well let's see.. this weekend is easter.. and i'm going over to jb's house coloring eggs ..
this week is spring break... i havne't really done anything.. but hang out with my mommy
i got a new puppy.. she's a german sheperd and she's a big ol doggy.. her name is zoe.. and her nickname is zoey!!!
yesterday jb was at remmington's house.. and i told him to come over to my house.. he argued with me.. and then i got pretty mad.. finally he just told me to come pick him up.. he acted like he wasn't mad at me.. but i was soon to find out the dissaster to come...
when he got over to my house.. he bluntly told me that he was angry at me.. i was like.. okay.. and then he wouldn't leave it alone.. so i cried.. and cried some more.. and then he didn't even hug me.. he didn't care.. i had some mixed feelings about him then.. but then when we went on a walk.. he seemed understanding to the way i felt.. we're all better now.. but that was one of those days where we could have ended our relationship..i'm glad we're all better though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lots of love
nikkie!! |
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| damnit... why does he have to be so right |
[Mar. 12th, 2005|08:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | nothing | ] |
well.. a lot has been happening over the past couple weeks. but u know.. i'm too lazy to bring it all up..
last night i went to my cousins first concert in front of a whole bunch of people!!... i was soo proud of him.. and of course.. i brought jb along with me.. but should i have known that i'd be alittle bitch to him.. yes..i should have..
well .. first.. i guess i ignored him.. and that made him a little upset.. and then i offered his phone to some stranger.. and i don't understand why that made him mad!!!.. i mean.. i was just trying to be nice. u kno.. but i guess i shouldn't be nice anymore... hmph.. and then i started crying.. at my cousins show.. making a complete fool out of myslelf.. and i don't know.. i'm just so fed up with it.. not with jb.. but why i have to cry everytime jb tells me something..
and then i guess he didn't have a good time overall.. he hung out with stewy and josh.. and i hung out with everyone!! i had a great time.. i got to see all of my friends.. and everything!! .. but then we had that talk..
jb said i always have to have my way.. and that i'm always the one who needs to be happy.. and he's right.. as much as i hate to admit it.. he's soo right.. i wish i could work on it.. but i don't think i can.. i'm used to getting everything i want.. and i guess i can't anymore..
i love you jb.. i'm soo sry that i made you go.. maybe next time we'll stay home all day and do nothing.. cause i know how you like that soo much...
anyways.. yea.. i suppose i'm done venting riht now.. i'll vent some more lata.. haha.. bye all!!!
<3 |
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